Psychological comfort: pledge of health of a family

Quarrels, squabbles, irritation as a rust, corrode many families, ruin health кик parents, and children, leading at times to divorces. But whether always they so are inevitable? Whether it is possible to do without family quarrels in general? How to learn dialogue art with each other in a family? About it conversation journalist Jury Ragozin and the candidate of psychological sciences also have And. P.Egides.

— There was already banal a phrase from a known film: «the Happiness is when you understand». But in that and a trouble that is frequent we, like understanding others, we aspire to make all in own way. In a matrimony it is impossible to be happy to everyone. A secret that or spouses are together happy, or both are unhappy: the third it is not given. So after all, Arcady Petrovich?

— Those who only still is going to marry should remember it, and those who is married for a long time already. The psychological comfort in a family is possible only when mutual keenness when spouses aspire to satisfy the diversified requirements each other becomes "motto". We will speak about such behaviour of spouses as about синтонном (i.e. Conformable to interests). Conflicts often arise, when requirements of one stir to satisfaction of requirements of another, do not provide the world, understanding.

— Possibly, one of the main reasons of family quarrels unsatisfied requirement for equality. All wish to be the first. If not on work, so though at home.

Such indemnification seems to much quite natural. Moreover, it would be desirable to be not simply the main thing but also that to you of it constantly reminded the obedience. As a last resort the partner in dialogue should submit "equal-signs" and exclude «superiority signs». Everyone wishes to occupy position equal, but resists to position "more low". At the people who not enough have absorbed major both for a life, and for marriage idea of equality, the aspiration to the superiority breaks. Well and to feel humiliated, clear business, is pleasant to nobody. Therefore in any situations it is necessary to avoid demonstration of the superiority giving, by the way, only illusory basis for self-esteem. The real soil for self-esteem is provided with self-improvement, a moral eminence over by itself.

Superiority signs can offend not simply — to offend, Judge, remarks which spouses exchange, разгорячась are not too rare: «Will suffice to grind bosh!», «nonsenses all it!», «Аи, yes throw you the foolish jokes!» Learn?

— But at times even behind external softness «superiority springs», humiliating other person distinctly appear.

— Quite right. «I would like to give advice","You the clever person, and speak such things …;,« be not nervous "," do not take offence ». Though also harmless, but too abundantly clear signs on the superiority! They can appear and in friendly похлопывании on a shoulder, impressive condescension and are accompanied, as a rule, visibility of respect, participation, simplicity … But anything no general have with original respect.

— Naturally, we will not give the full list of similar references which should «be known by sight». We will rely on creative studying by their reader, we will advise to observe dialogue of people  to allocate the cores конфликтогены and never to use their.

— Alas, it is difficult to get rid of bad psychological habits. The self-confidence reaching before lectures and edifications is especially fraught with conflicts. About what is sweet for us — to teach something недопонимающего the spouse!

Any offer in a family needs to be put forward only «as discussion» and to ask thus everyone to see your errors. If they do not appear, absence of conceit will strengthen respect of the second spouse, and originality of ideas does not remain not noticed. Here some phrases which will help to avoid impression, that the person are self-confident: «it is represented To me …», whether « I am mistaken , believing, that …», «To me in a head the thought, maybe, it has come and is ridiculous …»

It is necessary to be always ready to that your spouse, instead of you, will appear more right. When the point of view unacceptable for you is put forward, it is not necessary to reject it. It is better to tell, that it for you while is not clear. To think, confer.

Positive estimations, praises, but from a position "from above" too not that other, as superiority signs. An example: «Well, умничка, the wife, it is tasty-is tasty … Feel? There is something lordly, patronising.

However the most powerful signs on the superiority contain, as a rule, in negative estimations to the spouse. It too becomes from a position "from above", «Yes, with taste at you, as always, disagreement …», «do not undertake it, you after all are ungifted …»

Negative estimations usually pass in disrespect signs. If such behaviour is accepted by the spouse at it the state of health spoils, the requirement for achievement of any purposes so, and the creative potential decreases is lost. But protection — reciprocal negative estimations is more often formed. The situation passes in quarrel with mutual claims, insults, there is a conflict: «At me with taste everything is all right, and here at you with it it is just bad, look at the dress!. One it of that costs …» If to go further, it is possible to recollect and other insults.

Here still a typical case. Spouses at the initiative of the wife have decided to go to cinema. The husband after work takes a bath. During washing disconnect water. It is hastily wiped and forgets to turn cranes. Houses — a flood come back after cinema, and. From the point of view of the wife, the husband is guilty exclusively. Charge follows: «it is eternal for you as for the small child, it is necessary to watch! Here neighbours now will come running, will tell, that repair by it did. And at us and so money is not present, you bring in the house pennies!.» The psychological mechanism works here instantly and smoothly. «And you last year in the market have lost twenty roubles! You spend money for any nonsense», — sounds in the answer. И.,

As quite often primary motive of charge own wrongfulness, and the spouse serves to take hold of the initiative, starts to accuse the first. Has returned late home though promised to come before, and from a threshold: «Again in apartment the disorder! Well and the mistress!.»

And after all to "remove" the difficult situation it is possible several kind words, a joke, a smile. That it is careless not to concern valuable to orientation of the spouse, it is necessary to state the wishes tactfully, validly.

«Olenek, me with some difficulty to find the general themes with your parents, and to work it would be desirable more. Perhaps, you one will go today to them?. And another time together we will go, your mum fine prepares …»

«Olenek, you движут kind feelings to relatives when you call them on a visit, but whether we spend for feasts too much time? Give we resemble in concerts is better. By the way, there comes the Leningrad symphonic orchestra …»

Or: «I know, to you like bright, bright tone. It is, of course, beautiful, fashionable. But it seems to me, you more to the person soft, quiet colouring …»

It becomes frequent the quarrel reason family humour. (But completely not kind, companionable, soft.) such "humour" usually happens is directed on those who is not able to laugh the matter off. Women own dialogue psychotechnics is better, therefore the joke flies from the wife «to the husband is more often. Will severely wound words that« if senses of humour are not present it for ever ».

The similar humour directed on the partner, is взаимовозвышение at the expense of humiliation of another. Often such joker-aggressor loses in estimations of associates. The malicious humour to the partner causes its resistance, attempt to laugh the matter off, passing in the present fight with defeat of the instigator, or пирровой a victory. If it is not possible to laugh the matter off, the partner searches for other forms of protection: leaving from dialogue, charges, insults …

Certainly, the humour in a family is necessary, but to laugh it is necessary together with the person, instead of over the person. And here it is possible to joke of itself as much as necessary.


— That is to recollect Henry Heine's phrase: «Never thought, that it is possible so to laugh, looking at itself in a mirror …»

— Certainly, or it is possible to admit a situation: «What we with you ridiculous». Such humour, cheering up at everything, will not spoil it to anybody.

It is necessary to mention and a question on influence against each other. After all any influence assumes a position "from above". If it crowns the success, one spouse feels the superiority, another understands, that has conceded, has obeyed.

Here it will not be slow to be shown and psychological protection: «I am not sillier, why I should submit?.» And as result — resistance, sabotage, as a result — one more conflict.

— You have listed signs on the superiority which we should avoid in the course of dialogue. Well and if in a certain situation someone from spouses voluntary takes of a position "from below", obviously expecting from the partner of a supervising role? Itself wishes to submit, be conducted?

— Certainly, such situations are possible. For example, the husband with pleasure listens to "guidelines" of the wife in the market, and it — its councils on a motorway. In a family equality should not be broken. If, for example, at the husband is not present in the house of purely man's work (to prick fire wood to carry water) and if on service he spends as much time, how many and the wife I consider, he should be engaged on a level with the wife домоведением. The wife demanding from the husband extra earnings (itself working only on the rate) and at the same time equal participation with it in an economy, arrives, in my opinion, incorrectly.

Stirs to sincere comfort and the mistrust as a rule arising from an innuendo from one of spouses, mystery round any acts of the husband or the wife. The less you will hide something from each other, the the desire to be sincere becomes stronger. Especially if there is a hope, that you correctly will understand.

It is fraught with conflicts and an ingratitude. If someone from spouses does not notice sincere efforts of the partner to make to it pleasant, it will soon encounter a rigid wall of psychological protection. Anyhow? «Time my diligence does not give results, — the husband thinks,-means, they are not very necessary».

Therefore be attentive to each other. However to reproach with the blessing too it is dangerous to the world in a family: «I to you in a wall hammered in a nail, and you to me cannot stroke a shirt!.»

Words or behaviour, expressly or by implication let the spouse know, that recognise its real superiority a harmony as itself in any sphere: be interested in its creativity, successes, knowledge, ask the help or council there where it is more competent. The range of means is for this purpose very wide. From a mention of casually positively estimated facts to frank, sincere I (underline) admiration. The praise can be expressed and indirectly, then it even more ценна. («Сережа, look, as our daddy has well beaten a shelf, now to your books it will be convenient …»)

Do not hesitate to praise the spouse in a circle native and friends, and also for the eyes, All accessible means express your acceptance of the partner. Show readiness for contact, do not stint smiles! It is very important to show scrupulousness concerning interests each other. It is necessary to know well requirements each other even in trifles.

Very important in a family not to interrupt each other. Allow speaking to express up to the end. To it stirs all same feeling of the superiority (not realised!): the thought which has come to to you mind, seems more valuable. But do not hurry up to open a mouth. Listen up to the end sympathetically and actively, set questions about exciting it, help to understand a situation. After all happens, that only in the house, in a family it is possible to solve any question.

Or a situation; you talk to mum. During this moment the wife approaches. There and then bring her up to date, ask, that she thinks on a discussed question. Demonstration of such active "publicity" and respect will strengthen your relations. Necessarily support the spouse in dispute if your belief coincide.

— And if is not present? To play a cunning trick?

— Then state the point of view, but it is obligatory with doubt in fidelity of a position of your spouse.

More often apply self-criticism instead of charge. Well the husband, say, has spilt soup. And the wife to it: «Oh, as I have unsuccessfully put a plate!.» The husband will not allow the wife to be such noble: «Well you, it are necessary to me there was be accurater …» an Incident is settled, both are happy the friend with the friend.

Different there are conditions at spouses. Something is not got on on work, hassle in shop, the friend shows misunderstanding … Enter into a condition of the spouse, try to notice annoyance concerning you. React easy. Later, in other condition, your spouse will necessarily estimate it.

Marrying, it is necessary to find out accurately for itself, that you expect from each other. For example, concerning the one who than will be engaged in the house who and in what sphere will be the leader. If you feel, that несогласий it is too much and they are basic, it is better not to marry or develop at all the family contract. Always it is better to agree ashore that it was not necessary then in a storm in the high sea to solve problems.

— We will bring some results. It is easy to pay attention  that is very frequent as a quarrel antipode goodwill acts . To interrupt the partner or to interrupt (most), to Behave authoritatively or democratically. To laugh at the person or to laugh together with it. To accuse or take fault on itself. Instructively to teach or ask for suggestions. Actively to ignore or be actively attentive to the person … that we will choose, the climate in a family, and consequently, and health of each of its members depends.

The author: the candidate of psychological sciences And. P.Egides