When the world is left by mercy...

When the world is left by mercy …

On a question of journalist N.Ivanovoj «as loss of humanistic values is reflected today in a family?» The psychologist of Ampere-second answers. Spivakovsky.

— All wish to be good parents, but not at all it turns out. What, in your opinion, defines success of education?

— The most important thing that parents since first minutes of a life of the kid have plunged in huge, even boundless love to the child. — here that the child from first minutes of a life should feel tenderness and sensation of heat and feel it constantly.

So it is possible and «to overfeed with love»! For example, grandmothers often reproach with it.

— I consider, that love to overfeed it is impossible. At any children's age, not only in infancy, the more love, the better for education. The true love never harm will bring.

— True? But everyone understands it in own way!

— Truly. I read lectures for parents, and when I ask: lift those hands who loves the child, in the answer laugh loudly — a strange question! And all lift hands. Then I ask: let will lift those hands who is absolutely assured, that each moment of a life your child is assured, that it love. Confusion, confusion — and how it? It appears, it is necessary to love not simply and that during each moment of a life the child felt your love. It is far not same! How to reach the such? For this purpose it is necessary to be guided in dialogue with children not by itself, and on it. During each moment of education put itself to the place of the child, enter into its role and look at the world his eyes. And you will understand then, that oh as is frequent you are not right, when, having raised the voice, order to it, instead of ask.

— Time of the scientific relation to family strategy has come?

— I would tell, not scientific, but realised when the person understands as as it should do. It is a question not only of necessity to seize any skills. The main thing — «the soul is obliged to work». Remember this line at poet Nikolay Zabolotsky? And what it means? The aspiration to the truth, good and beauty is peculiar to the person. These aspirations are included into spirituality definition. Creative bent for to the truth, beauty and justice does not arise in the child in itself, and should be transferred the tutor. If parents trust in good, love and justice, at them good children if is not present will grow — results of education are unpredictable.


— Soul work provides, in my opinion, ability to be patient.

— Ability to patience should be brought up in itself to each parent is to it necessarily it is useful. It seems to me, that one of the main parental pedagogical problems today just in intolerance., Unfortunately, nobody learns us, that patience — the big value.

Is after all and patience to other point of view, and from patience there is a tolerance, and it is very important!

— But except patience we yet do not have today belief, and deficiency of belief painfully responds on children. Alas. The society has lost ability to trust in good, strong, kind in each person, and it has destructive consequences in a family. I even more often face that parents do not trust in the son or the daughter and at their first offence aspire to stick it a label. Moreover what! The first-grader will bring home someone's book or the handle and already hears: «You will be the thief!» And why at once — the thief? After all such monkey's reaction is peculiar to children, and they drag in the toy and trifle house at all from bad promptings. And here it a phase paste a label! Here so absence in a society of belief in the person, a self-confidence revenges for itself, that I am a good mother or I am a good father who cannot have a bad child. Alas, such relation often breaks the person of the person in the childhood.

— You have started talking about the patient, how in our society of belief in the person disappearance is reflected in a family, on health of its members.

— It is negatively reflected! I face it constantly in consultation and I can result set of examples of how absence of a self-confidence, in the child leads to the heaviest consequences. Unfortunately, illness of a society has passed in a family.

— And who will treat it?

— First of all a family! Never hasten to punish the small person and the more so to take out on general condemnation its offence. Understand at first, that behind it costs. Remember that absence of belief of the relatives — mother is very frequent and the father — pushes the child or the teenager to negative steps. And all because, that parents transfer the models existing in our social relations according to which we long years painted the person and its acts only two paints — black and white to education. Well and badly — here and all palette of paints for perception of the person! We also do not think, that there is a miscellaneous "well" and the miscellaneous is bad"and that at times there are no borders meanwhile and another. After all much depends on how to look on good and bad. Alas, the dialectics of perception of a life at all is absent in an educational system. Unless we suppose, for example, that there can be two true points of view? Here parents the habitual cliches taken from a society also hasten, to impose on the growing person. And if there is a label, at once there is a social sanction, contact to the child falls, he any more does not trust neither mothers, nor to the father and leaves in itself.

— What means you have, family psychologists, for treatment of illnesses of a family, including that about which you have told?

— Family consultation, psychocorrection of family relations and education is not only the help to concrete people, but also as it seems to me, that islet thanks to which the society can return in due course the lost humanistic values. The world is left kindly, by mercy, empathy. And now, when the task in view to promote the statement of the new person, the person-person, returning to a society where the person and originality of its person (and it is the important and uneasy social problem) is appreciated, its decision should join actively not only psychologists whom meanwhile to absurd it is not enough, but also parents, school, high schools, public organisations.

Is a program long-term and what to do today? What will you advise to parents at whom this year the kid was born?

— All the same — study to love the child! Whether saw you sometime parents who would play in public with the child? How usually with kids walk? Parents, the grandmother will plant in a sandbox, and, the grandfather sit to itself on a shop, a hail, the remark straightening out the child: «do not spoil a dress!», «do not touch a bench, it dirty!» I observed somehow during rest on caucasus a family of Englishmen which on eyes of the amazed public directly on a beach selflessly as if children, played with the kids, built together with them locks on sand, not caring at all that children rather извозились. At our parents the cult of a suit, a clean dress has prevailed over understanding of that to the kid it is very important and it is very necessary to touch clay, sand and потопать feet on a pool. Here when he does not test such desire, it is necessary to reflect about its health! I in consultation made special experiment and was convinced — any mum has not dared to play with the child at strangers. And why? Because we, adults, are clamped, we hesitate of free display of the feelings. Recollect, how often in a children's polyclinic it is possible to see such scene: to the kid has bothered grandly to sit, he has run on a corridor, and on it from different directions шикают. Or such — mum conducts from a kindergarten of the child, he has stumbled and has fallen in a pool, and at once — a slap, abuse. And why? All because, that value of the person of the person is lost in a society!

— Recently the eight-grader, the daughter of my friends, has allowed to me to read answers to questions of the questionnaire which children have thought up for themselves and have laid down a condition to answer only fairly.

Me has amazed, that a question as you estimate yourself, the majority have answered negatively. Who named itself(himself) the impudent person who the idler, and one, referring to the characteristic of parents, has written: «I am a hooligan, the villain and the idler»!

Here fault of parents! After all they should inspire since the childhood to the child, that it — unique and unique. But you heard sometime how on work of the woman speak with each other about children? As a rule, they complain, that the child something has done, has not obeyed, was insolent … At us it is accepted to discuss lacks of behaviour of the child publicly. Someone speaks about the son: «He the hooligan, it insensible and false» — also waits for sympathy, shifting thus on the son lacks of the education. Language does not turn to tell: «My child remarkable, it is the best!» God forbid, still will think, that I brag! And after all it not boasting because for you your child should to be the best really!

— Instead of whether it seems to you, that, arriving so, we thereby will push the son or the daughter … to a bad act, after all to them inspired, that they are unique.

— All depends on how much you had time to put in pawn in the child of moral values. If in a family he felt the person if saw, that to it trust, and having razed always it is less than chances of failure, than when to the child repeat, that it bad. After all if to the person constantly to speak: «You — a pig», it once and захрюкает! One mother from whom I was engaged in family consultation, has told: «Here did not think, that it is possible so much to achieve, working as encouragement in« a zone of lacks »my son!»

— In «a zone of lacks»?

— It is a question of any difficulties at the child; we will tell, at the son fears, excessive shyness or aggression. What behaviour stereotype at parents in this case has developed? To punish, punish! It is very bad, because, working as a praise in «a zone of lacks», inspiring shy, that it — strong, you will achieve faster, that it indeed becomes such!

— What most a common symptom of illness of the family, reflecting loss in a society of human values?

— Often there are cases when the child cannot find the place in children's collective and refuses to visit a kindergarten. "I" appear psychological causality of such phenomenon at times closed, i.e. At the child the sensation of the value is deformed or knocked down, there is no self-confidence, and from here its fear to appear «on a kind» at other people.

— Here you have concerned problems of conflicts of the kid with a kindergarten. But what behind it costs? At us in consultation I have appeared once the witness of your conversation with mum of the kid who has refused to visit a kindergarten. And why? It appears, the teacher, having seen, that the boy does not sleep in the afternoon, has threatened, that «will sew up to it eyes»!

— Yes, the word cures, and it can kill. Therefore we in consultation first of all learn mothers and fathers to ability to talk to the child. Sometimes for some parents it is enough to change only a timbre of a voice and result of educational work amazes! By the way, the angry voice, metal in a voice gives temporary success in education, and the tender, warm voice helps to fix the victory for a long time.

— I had to hear time and again such phrase from parents: «I know, that is necessary to my child!» And such parents build a life of the child on the sample, and then are surprised, that this life is not has gone right. What do you think of such programmed approach to education?

— I categorically against such approach! But a trouble that such stereotype at us in the country for a long time and strong угнездился in consciousness. Parents consider themselves completely as masters of the future life of the child. Very often they program system of sights of children, thereby suppressing in them the person and possibility to realise the abilities more full! As soon as the child declares itself as about the person, there is a problem. And why? Because many parents are not capable to tell to themselves, that though the child and mine, but at it the values, and my debt to help it to realise them. Parents see the problem in another way: he/she is my child, and I will make his life such that it was happy!

— Parents recognise that the child, even the adult, has no main thing — life experience, and at parents it is, and they wish to help taking into account the errors to the son or to their daughter to avoid.

— Just about! But there is such judgement because, that parents do not have belief that the son or the daughter will correctly choose the way independently. As a rule, at such relation parents realise the ideas and the plans in children and do it неосознанно. I studied motives and the purposes which was put in the educational system by parents And what was found out? Alas, such motive, that my child — value and let it realises the values, practically was not! But other motive prevailed — let my child realises that I did not manage to carry out!

This motive has appeared extended also because in days of stagnation many representatives of the senior generation have not managed to realise themselves as the person.

— And when at our son or a daughter the life has not turned out, we search guilty at school, in the street, among friends, but we do not think, that parents are guilty.

— I agree with you, but it is necessary to mean that in it the society is besides guilty. After all the senior generation has appeared the carrier of serious social illnesses of our society, we have infected our children as these illnesses have affirmed and as our educational system. So now we should recover from them and to cure children!

— Listening to you, I have remembered such case. The son of my girlfriend, the ninth-grader, has reproached mother that it incorrectly brings up it: «cynics Now survive, and you adjust me on lyrics, kindness!» Also has resulted shattering examples of prosperity of cynics and vegetation of lyric poets.

— A question very uneasy: to learn children to adapt to a society or to live under laws of the conscience? Today we reap the fruits of such adaptation. The number of mothers which hand over in children's home of children grows, and the number of children which hand over the old men of parents in a shelter grows. Here they, sad costs of our consumer society.,

— Consumer?

— Yes, I have not made a reservation and I wish to explain the thought. Taking into consideration society installations, parents learnt children to appreciate not beauty of soul of the person, not its kindness, character and readiness to come to the aid, and ability of the person to reach in a life of high office position, not reckoning with that it severe and the boor. And if the person judge on its office advantages, instead of on that, how much it is conscientious and merciful, after all it and is criterion of a consumer society. And today we with alarm have started talking that we in the country had a certain deviation from socialism, and it was showed in change of criterion of an estimation of the person when it was accepted to judge it not on that, it how much full gives to a society the forces and creative abilities, and on, whether there is at it a high salary, apartment, a summer residence, the car.

And the beginning to all to it? School! It estimates the child, good it or bad, пятерками, четверками, three and the two. And here the five was received by the informer, but all the same in the opinion of the school public it good! And if you have fairly earned a three and always intercede for those who is weaker, you all the same середнячок … And to appreciate it is necessary first of all efforts! One mathematician will come easily, and to another the three is more expensive than the five. But is not present, on it have already hung a cliche троечника. How many in these троечниках it is ruined the presented persons! At me an uncooperative altitude to the new approach in labour training. We and means spend many forces for creation of a complex for education in work, but it does not give fruits while work does not become for children pleasure. But whence to it to be, this pleasure if at us work punish also houses, and at school. Badly yourself you conduct — wash floors! Has received the two — clean a class after lessons!

Whence all it? From a consumer society where how you have worked is important not and how many has enclosed creativity in work, and result. We will accept result not so much for a society, how many for themselves personally. Parents come from work where their work do not appreciate, and children hear: «Has bothered!», «has got tired!», «though day not to go for work!» On eyes children have an alienation of work from the person of the person. Work — in itself. The Person - in itself …

— Certainly! After all only the one who is keen on the work, waits for next day that it to continue though at times weeks it does not manage to sleep! Such people usually do not complain, they hurry up to live and live greedy, infecting surrounding with the hobby. And children at such people choose their trades more often. Because they saw the happy person of the father or mother when those with inspiration told about work!

— Truly. And I as the expert-psychologist dealing with children and parents which the society has punished heavy illness of alienation, am convinced: as soon as we will learn to estimate the person of the person on its creative participation in work, the society will receive a huge prize, having recovered from this inveterate illness which prevents to move to us forward.

The author: the psychologist of Ampere-second. Spivakovsky